Charlie Sheen's 'Two and a Half Men' Bosses Don't Want Him Back

Sorry, Charlie Sheen, but a lawyer for Warner Bros. has shot down your repeated claims that you're negotiating a return to Two and a Half Men. According to a succinct letter (obtained by The Hollywood Reporter) from a WB attorney to Sheen's lawyer, the actor's comments that he's "in discussions" to rejoin the show are "false." "There have been no discussions, there are no discussions and there will be no discussions, regarding his returning to or having any involvement with the series."

Then again, Sheen's legal counsel hasn't backed down, telling TMZ, "There have been discussions as late as Tuesday, and all parties have been involved -- Warner Bros., CBS, Chuck Lorre and Charlie Sheen."

So who's bending the truth? Well, the guy claiming to be a Vatican Warlock Assassin (a getting heckled by fans at almost every stop on his live tour) is probably the less reliable source. Sure, there was a period when his old bosses wanted him back so desperately that they agreed to go along with his "rehab stint" -- in his own home, tended to by his "goddesses." They'd already taken him back again and again for years, after each headline-grabbing, drug-and-partying-related bout of trouble. Like any business people, TV execs live and die by their bottom line. Sheen was the star of the most lucrative show on TV, and that star gets a whole lot of wiggle room.

For the first few weeks after Sheen's meltdown, Warner Bros. (which produces the show) and CBS (which airs it) even put up with a lot of ranting and raving and tiger-blood drinking. Eventually, though, Sheen's bizarre behavior forced the execs to fire him. Even then, they might have taken him back at some point in the future.

But once Sheen decided to sue them for $100 million in damages (resulting from his termination and loss of wages), their top moneymaker transformed into a money snatcher. At this point, the idea that all parties have been discussing a reconciliation is just preposterous.

Imagine Sheen's first day back on the set, greeting Men creator Lorre, after calling him a "contaminated little maggot" just a few months back?

"Uh, sorry I called you a maggot, dude."

"Yeah, well. Bygones."

Sounds like the stuff of sitcoms, but -- unfortunately for Sheen -- not real life.

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